Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car or truck, any place, any time. So keep the ten following items in a toolbox in your vehicle and you'll be prepared for any emergency that befalls you!
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable
Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, towrope, and more in one easy-to-carry
package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions,
but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas
rockets -- uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of
more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench,
hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls
off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only
tool designed expressly to fix things messed up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper
alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker
than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts
of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral
part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of
the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of
all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you
spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed
off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because
you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward.
(Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to
repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine
tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe
of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging
power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made
in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years
of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius
brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen
zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from
a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling
a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars,
subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver:
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a gigantic flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed
by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver
-- and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said -- who cares?
It's guaranteed.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler
brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.
Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it
works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing
wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning
fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end
separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if
you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all-purpose
application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver.
Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can
stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod
ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter: For a phone call, if all
else fails.
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